Toxic masculinity

I remember a girl crying and me unable to do anything not because I was insensitive but it was something a guy like me wasn’t equipped to handle. I did everything possible to get her to stop by cheering her up, by telling her it’s alright. Upon realization, all I did was put a band-aid on a bullet hole, what I should have done was simple, understand her pain. When I tell people this problem, the most common answer I get is men are not emotional and it is not masculine to get emotional. Which makes me wonder what’s masculinity? What is like being a man especially in a country like India where patriarchy is deeper than marina trench?

An average Indian man due to the patriarchal nature of the society is apparently on top of the food chain among all other species like animals, plants, senior citizens, kids, and women. He gets this superior trait because of reasons unknown. Scientific Research is still silent on that issue. Let me begin by talking about the stages of manhood. First, you are born with an XY chromosome which is technically your dad’s fault as opposed to people(males and aunties)thinking it’s the women’s fault. Your dad is the reason you are a male so go fight with his society (Scientifically proven). Then as he slowly grows up all attempts are made by the parents to remind him, what a man he is like taking him to play physical sports like cricket, football, etc that requires him to showcase his masculinity. He is unconsciously always reminded how strong he is and how he shouldn’t play games that don’t require him to use brain instead of brawn. (That explains the reasons for some of our thick-headed approach in life ) .Parents make everything possible to segregate males and females. They don’t play together. Their qualities instead of being shared are just kept with themselves. Boys are reminded to not cry, to not show sensitivity, to not harbor feelings & emotions and never be vulnerable as a female because physical prowess is the barometer by which we judge males and females. The seed which is planted in that kid’s head festers and it slowly takes shape into toxicity where subtly we try to demarcate everything into a male thing and a female thing. This toxic flower breathes in the stereotypical framework of the society and breathes out toxicity that plagues the future male generation too. If you look ahead boys and girls have more in common than the said differences!

Characteristics of this masculinity are as follows :

EGO

Yes, males think that the world belongs to them and everything else is beneath them. I have pointed this before that this superiority complex is based on no logical fact or reason. People point out ludicrous facts like that men are intelligent than women as there are many noted male scientists. It’s simply because for centuries we reduced women to a lifetime of forced gender roles like taking care of family and looking good or feminine as they say. They were denied education, voting or any rights whatsoever that’s the birthright of every human being. Gender roles gave the males an inflated ego that just couldn’t bear women breaking these roles. Men hated women finally being free depending on no one but themselves. Males who have been for centuries had taken the role of Messiah or protector of the family failed to accept the fact that women can help themselves instead of being a damsel in distress who relies on the hero to save them. It’s still taking time for men to swallow this fact as this ego has taken gigantic proportions and they try everything in their power to compensate it. They think that one’s manhood relies on doing certain male things. They simply forget that you don’t have to prove your manhood or masculinity by doing certain tasks .’ Men will be men’ whatever he does.
The crooked idea of masculinity makes men feel that they are this emotion-less monsters whose every action is a challenge to their ‘manhood’ also it is that men are stronger than women, and strong men don’t hit on weaker people, but in order to prove you are a ‘man’ you need to hit the women who insulted you, makes me wonder who does masculinity actually works for ?

Feminity vs Masculinity

Our society very conveniently doesn’t understand the concept of masculinity let alone feminity. We got so confused by these concepts that we made a narrow definition of both of them which is still practically applied. The major misconception because of which we have made many presumptions is that feminity and masculinity are completely separate concepts and are purely gender-based. Men or man or male will have masculine traits while women are custodians of feminity. That’s the pure reason that led to the deterioration of the human male. I too have a narrow conception about it but I’ll just make a short example to make my point. Feminity is associated with a nurturing /understanding attitude with a great level of sensitivity and emotional depth ( I can be wrong).

Masculinity, on the other hand, is being stripped of anything feminine. A male is supposed to take care of the family by protecting it by being a savior to the family as an outside wall against external calamities. Males weren’t supposed to be weak or be vulnerable due to which males didn’t evolve emotionally. Masculinity was just defined as being stronger than others at least physically. It led to the creation of 2 extreme pillars of genders mainly masculinity and feminity which are poles apart from each other.

I think that these traits aren’t separate at all but complimentary. They aren’t pillars but part of a yin yang circle. Males need feminity and females need masculinity too. Adopting feminity won’t make us less of a man. Masculinity shouldn’t be defined by these narrow definitions which are quite archaic. This underdeveloped definition has led to such catastrophic traits in males that ego, superiority complex and innate tendency to dominate has become an unconscious habit in males. We don’t even notice it. There’s a man in every woman and a woman in every man. Yes, I think a lot of contemplation is required to understand that feminity and masculinity aren’t even competing for traits.

Another worrying thing that happens is that males or females try to be each other. Women are equal in every way. Women just to be equal look down upon feminity as a weak trait as it had led to their oppression for centuries which is a valid fact. I believe it’s the culmination of both that makes you more unique. Women can be both without giving up their feminity or letting those traits take a backseat. It’s true for said men too.

I personally believe that a lot of introspection is required among males to understand the little minute habits or actions that we inculcate among each other. We look down upon emotional sensitivity that had cost us our sanity. Ruthlessness has led us to commit horrific things in history as we lacked an emotional quotient. An ideal society is one that places each gender equally and where feminity and masculinity thrive at the same pace and aren’t reduced to a stereotypical framework that diminishes man and woman alike.

Man can be sensitive, empathetic and have the emotional maturity and would still be a man. It’s the society that discouraged developing feelings and emotions in men because they have to be strong to protect their family. It’s the same old presumption that man provides and protects. A man shouldn’t be protective, he should be responsible. A stereotypical image has been drawn for men that serves as a manual for how we should act, behave, walk or speak. Even a step outside that image attracts the ridicule of fellow men where every step taken outside that image is an attack on their masculinity. Most of them commit to that image by adopting it into their personalities. A man should realize that he is responsible for his own actions and we really need to destroy our own images. One can only be a man by not being a man but by being your own person. It’s about being the best person that’s compassionate towards others and do not possess a superiority complex that has plagued us for millenniums.

So, be better rather than being strong. We need a man who isn’t defined by the role that society wants them to fulfill but by being their own person.

Javed Akhtar very beautifully captures the essence of the man-woman relationship in a conversation :

” A very famous author from Delhi once said that after years of marriage I have realized that both of our happiness lies in both of our happiness, he further adds and says every relationship is built on the wheels of the people in it. Every relationship is equal, men should realize that their wives’ lives don’t revolve around them, they have their own lives, dreams, and aspirations. Her duty is not to help you get your goal, it belongs to both of you to uplift each other. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it is, or what differences it has, it must treat both people in the relationship equally.”
Concluding, my entire rant of on toxic masculinity, I would like to say no matter what we are taught, we don’t have to put others down to lift ourselves. Everyone is unique with their ways of living life and no matter who you are, a man or a woman we must respect people for who they are!
watch the Javed Akhtar video by Rekhta