Somewhere between forgiveness…

It’s not always right to take revenge but it’s also not always right to forgive
~ Anonymous
“Forgiveness is the inability to take revenge”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

If I were to summarise every advice I have ever received, it will be to  ‘Forgive and Forget’, But is it possible to not forgive and still being able to move on or are they mutually exclusive? Forgiveness has always been put on the altar as one of the most essential virtue to possess in any human being. We forgive people who have wronged us or hurt us in any way because usually, it means we are ready to move forward with our life by forgetting the scars that have been caused by people through their words or actions.

Forgiveness has been associated as a virtue that makes us a better person or a person with a heart that learns to set aside the contempt, anger and vengeful feelings we feel when we have been wronged.

One of the first thoughts that we have when forgiving people is that we are tired of holding it in. We are fed up of holding the hatred. Forgiveness lightens the load that our heart carries. The process of forgiving starts when we are in the dire need to forget, we eventually want to let go of the antagonist of our lives as, its awkward presence is an eyesore to us, making us uncomfortable by taking away our peace of mind. Funnily enough, our generation is much more forgiving as with all the daily grind of our lives we just don’t want another headache in our life. We try to forgive people not because they want to move forward but just to live easy, or so we are told.
We believe that for us to ‘move on’ we need to forgive, but what if forgiveness and moving on are not entirely dependent on each other? Maybe it’s not, it’s not the point whether we forgive or not, the idea is to make peace with it. We need to get in harmony with our past in order to be in sync with our present and future. So if we move on without forgiveness, or we simply forgive just for the sake of it, we do it for ourselves. We may be victims of crimes or mistreatment or plain and simple hate, we can still make peace with ourselves and not forget and get that person punished. Mrs. Christine Blasey Ford is an example of how we can face heinous traumas in our lives, still, make peace with it but never forget or forgive and fight for the injustice, we suffered. Simply apologizing or unattached and half-hearted apologies or a just kidding tag or privilege (male, white or upper caste) is not an ‘all is forgiven ticket’, people have to be held accountable for their doings. We are told to be forgiving, because, we should not hold a grudge or not be uptight or so sensitive or simply cold and obsessive. Comedian  Hannah Gadsby said, “Why is insensitivity something to strive for? I happen to know that my sensitivity is my strength. I know that. It’s my sensitivity that’s helped me navigate a very difficult path in life. So when somebody tells me to stop being so sensitive, you know what? I feel a little bit like a nose being lectured by a fart. Not the problem. “

Societal perceptions force us to forgive people so that we don’t appear uptight.
It’s one of the most ridiculous absurdities that we face. People preaching forgiveness fail to realize how humiliation sticks in our psyche. It is something which stains our personalities which reminds us how inconsequential,  ugly, unremarkable or small we are. This humiliation forces us to be in a pit where our confidence ebbs away and we feel inferior. It gives fodder to that dark voice in our heads that forces us to always be in that pit. We don’t realize it but we become a person that limits itself in every way it can.
You may believe it’s an exaggeration but only if we could understand the severity of the words or things we do that could hamper an individuals life that we could realize how wrong we are. So, people, it’s okay to not forgive people because you still can move on without forgiving that person.
If we all could in some ways make people realize that it’s difficult to earn forgiveness they will at least think twice before choosing their words or actions. Forgiving people without a substantial time period gives people power over you as they take you for granted. I realize many people would just argue by saying it’s in jest or in good humor but sometimes somethings sting without you ever realizing it. People for the sake of not being perceived as humorless go ahead and let it pass away but if it happens constantly as a habit it cracks your self-respect as you didn’t stand for yourself and expressed disapproval. It also unconsciously stores some kind of dislike towards that person that later envelops into hate. Yes, so we create an antagonist for ourselves eventually in whose presence we present a cordial image but in reality, we just hate his or her guts. This makes us dislike that person little by little where we secretly harbor a grudge against that person. This hate fuels itself with time and suddenly we start relishing an opportunity to hit back in some way and the mind games begin.

The problem with rude behavior and bullying is, that we are told we are not good enough, over and over again, that we start believing it. Our perception of our own degrades over time and it starts with one harsh word leading to depression, body issues, and low self-esteem. One way I would suggest, that I followed was, tell yourself you love yourself over and over again until you start believing it, despite what someone says, you need to practice self-love. Rupaul says it best, ‘If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else !’ 
            I would also like to make a digressing point that is relevant in times like these.
Change is a constant in people’s lives. People change. Their opinions change, perspectives change and personalities change. They try to strive to be better people than they were before and personally I respect that, as that’s something universal. However, can deeds do by them when they were not ‘better people’ easily forgotten and forgiven? Let’s take for example- a person who claims to be a feminist and a staunch supporter of women rights but at some point in the past, that person had done things that could make a feminist choke in their vomits by spewing anti-women statements. Could that person be now forgiven just because he or she is a feminist now? What about the lives he or she destroyed by being anti-feminist?Where does that pain go, readers? Now that’s something we should all think about and contemplate in our lives. Can change guarantee forgiveness? If I change my opinions and become much more liberal can it guarantee that I should forget what I did just because I have changed? Then you should learn to accept your past and apologize. Forgiving people too soon doesn’t give them time to think upon their actions and change offers the best path to not only not face the consequences but to advocate against something that they supported at one point of time so that people never question them about their past.No, people should be held accountable and responsible despite the fact that they change or a substantial time has elapsed . They made someone feel bad and there’s no escaping that. Forgiveness shouldn’t be easy. It should take time as a person takes time to recuperate after being hurt. Forgive when you are ready not at the convenience of other people.
Let’s try something new when people ask for forgiveness, say ‘ I don’t forgive you’  and if you remember someone you have hurt, apologize today, we may not get it but we might as well forgive ourselves for it.